What goes around comes around?
You say you care but the harm being done from your actions are to blame.
What is happening to you is the oldest part of the human condition.
She may believe she is making you feel guilty.
You do realize that you feel guilty.
But you use self-denial to blame her and to cover up [ the other behaviour you use to avoid being aware] the behaviour you use which is harming you and others.
Guilt is eating you up but you can’t see what you do (when you feel guilty) to keep a lid on it.
Does that mean forgetting is just as important as memory?
You blame your parents, your job, drinking, too much TV, food, alcohol, anything that helps you forget to decide to stop.
Stop harming yourself and others, before it’s too late.
You can work out your aversion to pain.
Stop needlessly acting on all desire.
To find a way to truly live you need to spend a little quality time facing your fears.
And to find genuine love may take more small steps than you are willing to make at this time.